USA Wins Big, Again!

The U.S. women have just won their third world championship fulfilling their self-described boast as “one of the best teams ever”. This is a huge accomplishment and something to brag about to your friends around the world. They will say it’s not the real World Cup, and they’re basically correct. (They’re correct the same way that you can say eating chocolate covered raisins isn’t candy because it’s dried grapes. It’s true, but wrong. I think the broken English phrase, “Same, same, but different” is slightly more fitting.) Although it does require the qualifier “Women’s” World Cup, the excitement and national pride exists just as passionately in this tournament. Carli Lloyd’s midfield shocker in the final, Abby Wambach’s flying kick against Nigeria or Kelley O’Hara’s game sealing goal against the talented German squad let us know that these ladies are magic. And yes, now that you asked, they are attractive. Their appeal comes from both thrilling athleticism and robust beauty.

There are haters. My dad told me a direct quote from one of his friends as, “If you’ve got time to watch women’s soccer, you’ve got too much time on your hands.” Well, if being the best team in the world isn’t reason enough to watch, then maybe you just don’t like soccer. (Either way, bugger off ya wankah.) The reason women’s soccer is as good as men’s is because it’s a finesse sport with just a hint of chaos. There is plenty of physicality, so these girls are tough, but the difference between a male or female cross into a header is negligible. Though I’m no connoisseur of fútbol, I think that’s a fair comparison. The American men’s team is making changes and looking more competitive but even their coach acknowledges they are far from winning a tournament. The American women are the best side in history! 3 of 4 Olympic titles and 3 of 7 World Cup titles have been won by USA. They dominate, and I’m happy to call myself a fan.

In 1999, I was living at the Jersey Shore, partying and preparing my stomach for the upcoming four years of outrageous university life. Those games were on in the background of many blurred memories, including the memorable Brandi Chastain Cup winning sports bra incident. In 2011, I was unemployed and watched every minute of every game of that tournament. I shaved my hair into a glorious mullet in an inexplicable gesture of solidarity and support for our girls. They came up short to the tsunami-ravaged nation of Japan who probably needed that win for the country’s collective sanity. But this year, this team, looked really different in the knockout stage. They were cool but fiery in attack, shrewd and swaggering in defense, a formidable foe for any team. Carli Lloyd played out of her head in the final three games scoring five goals and Hope Solo and the back line were able to avert most challenges.

In the years to come, U.S. soccer will continue to improve until both the men and women are perennial challengers for the Cup. One day, in my lifetime, the American men’s team will crush the machismo of South America, stifle the diving masses of Europe and sprint past the speed of Africa to their first World Cup title, thus ruining the sport for the world. Until then, the American girls are running it again. Let’s celebrate their accomplishment and be happy in the victory.

**(Also, let’s hope the U.S. Justice Department’s investigation ruts out the corruption in FIFA, so we can continue to enjoy these amazing tournaments without worry of systemic bureaucratic corruption.)

U.S.A. Women Win World Cup 2015

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What About Freeing the Nipple?

About a decade ago, I was traveling through Europe. Near the Black Forest of Southern Germany lies Stuttgart, an ultra modern town that was completely renovated after being blown apart during WWII, where I visited my first nude spa. I arrived eager to disrobe and let the proverbial sun shine where it usually don’t shine. The day was a lovely and refreshing respite before the debauchery of the impending Munich Oktoberfest. But the thing I remember most as I was lazing on a lounger, legs happily spread in an uninhibited taint exposing position, was sitting up to grab some water and seeing two wonderfully exquisite people showering together. Their bodies were tan, taut and stimulating in a gentle, benign sort of way. The sun’s line spewed rainbows off their backs in the dissipating shower droplets and I watched struggling to remember to unslacken my jaw. I didn’t look too long as decorum requires glances not gawking. The nudity wasn’t the attraction, but rather the absolute normalcy I felt at that moment. For those two dripping exemplars of the human shape were not all that was visible in my periphery. There were plenty of old people stretching in their wilting glory, hairy men emerging from slow laps in the pool or even my skinny ass prostrate on a sunbed. Nobody cared or was aroused in any visible sort of way by the comprehensive nudity.

Then, a few weeks later, at a large outdoor pool in Budapest, where bathing attire was compulsory, I saw a different tale of flesh meeting eyes. A beautiful woman with superficial splendors was prancing about in a shiny silver bikini along the edge of the pool, dipping toes, tying and re-tying her hair. I, as the other men, watched her saunter as though enchanted by the sylphs of some mystical island. Perhaps communal nudity promotes equality and amicable spirits of just letting others go about their business despite any type of libidinous feelings.

I recount this story because the #freethenipple campaign is gaining momentum. My earliest encounter with America’s nipple hypocrisy was Janet Jackson. First in 1993, with her Rolling Stone cover—breasts being held by disembodied hands—and again in 2004 with her “wardrobe malfunction” at the Super Bowl. I remember thinking, “Why can we see her side boob, but not the nipple?” Now, I was born in the age of incipient sexual desensitization from MTV, Hollywood and Maxim. Nipples on women were only a big deal because I was a teenager and hormonally curious. I was always able to remove my shirt in most outdoor settings and even be photographed thusly without anxiety. My nipples aren’t very interesting. But, 80 years ago, men had to struggle for the right to remove their tops on beaches and at pools. Today, women are fighting to share that deserved right.

Some of the arguments I see in the #freethenipple argument are flawed. The women fighting want to de-sexualize the breast by making the nipple free to be flaunted at their discretion. That is completely legitimate and will probably happen in the next few years at the dismay of many conservatives. The flaw lies in thinking that breasts are not erotic. Girls Gone Wild, that bead heaping Spring Break beast, showed college-aged girls freeing their nipples years before this campaign began. Millions of men shelled out their $19.99 for a glimpse at what women now desire to give away free. Somebody must be interested in female nipples! As a heterosexual man, I can presumably assure every heterosexual woman that their male partner enjoys and is somewhere between marginally to massively aroused by her breasts, of which the nipple resides. From what I can glean from gay entertainment, lesbians are also quite fond of the breast and occupying nipple. My torso around my nipples can be called chest or pecs, prosaic and matter of fact. But, a woman’s area has many affectionate and creative nicknames, according to the love directed to that base of fatty tissue. Perhaps some men identify breasts as “objects” but I’d imagine just as many women classify certain men by their six-packs or biceps. The body is open to objectification. Why is it different to look at Kate Upton and exclaim her as “hot” as it is to say Ryan Gosling is “hot?”

Another argument is that breasts’ only function is to feed children. That cannot be disputed. But, if honest about sexuality, both male and female nipples can be erogenous zones, thereby making the red zone of the chest effectively sexual. This contention about “protecting the innocence of children” can be dodged when the opponents reference the suffering masses of kids “exposed” to exposed nipples. Anyone can explain to a young child what the object in question is meant to do without explaining the secondary uses of nipples as bedroom foreplay or titillation. “Yes, Timmy, that is where Mommy’s milk comes from to feed your little brother. You drank that milk too when you were young… I should also tell you that Daddy likes to squeeze and lick them when Mommy and Daddy are “wrestling” on Sunday mornings. But, I’ll tell you more about that when you’re older.”

Both naked bodies and sexual intercourse are natural parts of life. Yet, one section doesn’t need to be explained to the pre-pubescent punks we call kids.

Another argument I saw was that the women want to eradicate the “shame” people put on the nipple. The shame lies in the viewer, not the displayer. If a woman wants to reveal her beautiful, biologically gifted boobs and put a picture on the Internet, she should be allowed. Chelsea Handler put a great satirical picture on Instagram of her on horseback, imitating that belligerent coxcomb, Vladimir Putin, to prove she has a better body than him. It was quickly taken down and was a seminal moment in the #freethenipple movement for me. I saw that humor was being affected by this concealment of nipples, and that’s when I get angry. Humor is how we fight hypocrisy and idiocy. Censorship is too subjective to be effective.

I’m happy that women are moving in this direction of self-empowerment and demystifying the areola. Although we must admit that biologically and empirically women’s breasts are different than men’s, it’s still very natural and acceptable to be nude. Due to the shameless character of some men, it may take some time getting used to this new uncovered sensation. Nevertheless, it’s progressive, it’s empowering, it’s encouraging rationality and if it’s what women want, then they should have it. Who does it hurt?

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Italy vs. Korea: Living Life Abroad

I’ve been to 10 countries this year but spent the bulk in either Italy or Korea. I think somehow I’m fully American diluted with Italian and Korean blood now. My roots spread far. Both countries have their pros and cons, but which is the better place to live?

Food

Italy—Everyone knows Italian food. Pasta, pizza, risotto, cheese and focaccia are staples of the Italian diet and world famous. No food incites more opinionated responses than, “Where is the best pizza?”

Korea—Not many people know Korean food. Korean BBQ has gotten recognition lately, but the diversity of food is what’s most appealing to me. There are soups for every ailment, vegetables for “power,” plenty of soothing white rice and that famous marinated meat is never hard to find. Also, kimchi is a magical food.

*VERDICT: Italy. They win simply because inventing pizza is forever unbeatable; however, whichever country I’m in, I crave the others’ cooking.

Movies

Italy—Famous for La Dolce Vita. There’s plenty of existential 1960’s films of the absurdity of life. Lots of cigarette smoking by men in black suits. At the current cinema, everything is dubbed into Italian, presumably because it sounds great, but makes the film less cohesive and impossible for me to watch.

Korea—Famous for Oldboy. There’s rarely a happy ending in Korean movies. At the cinema, they sell numbered seats to ensure fairness, cheap snacks and Hollywood movies shown in English. Also, they have cozy DVD rooms—win.

*VERDICT: Korea. Unconventional movies, private DVD theaters, and cinema in original language (that includes Russian dialogue in the new Die Hard movie).

Music

Italy—Famous for opera, but Italian MTV is pretty boring. The street performers can be entertaining.

Korea—Famous for K-pop, PSY’s silliness and long-legged lady singers. Friday nights are for watching girl groups parade onstage on muted TV’s in a restaurant, bar or sauna.

*VERDICT: Italy. Although K-pop chicks are contained dynamite, to hear Andrea Bocelli sing “Con Te Partirò” gives me chills every time.

Nightlife

Italy—The night is dominated by hanging out, gesticulating with cigarette in one hand and wine glass in the other.

Korea—People here get bombed wasted constantly and then sing karaoke.

*VERDICT: Korea. Despite the blatant alcoholism, I love karaoke (noraebang/노래방).

Sports

Italy—Four World Cup titles is quite an achievement. Serie A is a quality soccer league. Kids play soccer amid ancient ruins and use cathedral walls as goals, which is cool.

Korea—Sports is only for those with enough talent to play in the Olympics. The other kids must focus on their studies! But, they offer decent competitions in soccer, baseball and basketball leagues.

*VERDICT: Even. South Korea beat the Azzurri in the 2002 World Cup. But neither country dominates this aspect of life.

Friendliness

Italy—Old people are nice and helpful. Young people can’t be bothered with showing you the direction to Piazza San Giacomo.

Korea—Old people (especially the old ladies) push you out of their way. Young people can’t wait to help or talk to you about anything.

*VERDICT: Even. This category is fluid and changes depending on the person.

Ease of Living

Italy—There’s a three-hour daily lunch break in the shops, two weeks off in August, many retail stores close at 19:00, lots of coffee breaks and everything is closed on Sunday. You’d think that is helpful, but more to workers and less to consumers.

Korea—The 24-hour 7-11’s, karaoke, saunas and restaurants work to any time schedule. The >50-hour workweek is stressing and daunting.

*VERDICT: Even. Korea works too much and Italy works too little. (**NOTE: Internet is a major factor in ease of living and Korea wins big time in that area, but not enough to overcome their habit of six 12 hour days per week.)

Price

Italy—Euro. (1$=1.3Euro) To eat well, you have to pay for a first and second plate plus a vegetable, and the recycled water bottle (usually around 50$).

Korea—Won. (1$=1,052Won) To eat well, you pay 10-15$ for meat, unlimited vegetables, rice and free refills of water. Sometimes you get “service”=free food.

*VERDICT: Korea. This one is an easy choice.

Travel Opportunities

Italy—You are within striking distance of mainland Europe via EUrail or Ryan Air as well as anywhere in the magical land of Italy.

Korea—Mountains and beaches surround you, Incheon Airport is the best in the world and many places in Korea are completely unexplored and unspoiled.

*VERDICT: Even. Would you rather explore Europe or Asia? Both are charming.

Public Transit

Italy—Buses and trains are often late and there are decent subway lines in Milan and Rome.

Korea—Seoul has the biggest and longest subway in the world and punctual everything.

*VERDICT: Korea. You are never more than three blocks away from the subway in Seoul.

Language

Italy—Italian is quite possibly the most beautiful language on Earth, and only gets cuter to hear little kids arguing in it.

Korea—Korean is the easiest Asian language to learn to read, but complicated to speak.

*VERDICT: Italy. Ciao vs. Annyeong Haseyo.

Architecture

Italy—This country understands it. Angels hanging off of corners, fountains, piazzas, statues, obelisks, strange faces in the marble walls, naked lady door-knockers, mythical creatures guarding entrances, and The Colosseum!

Korea—They didn’t go from bottom to the top in 50 years by worrying about decoration. They just built for efficiency. Things are changing now, with expanding green spaces, Gangnam’s renaissance and new art projects.

*VERDICT: Italy. The everyday beauty has a salubrious energy.

History

Italy—Roma, Venezia, Marco Polo, Columbus, Caesar, and gladiators: “All roads lead to Rome.”

Korea—They are stuck between two giants of Asia: China and Japan. Koreans were constantly in the middle of the wars of those two ancient enemies.

*VERDICT: Italy. Although Korean history is fascinating, Italian history is undeniably more important in global impact.

People/Dog Watching

Italy—Dogs enter restaurants here with impunity. There are dogs of all sizes and most people are not scared to pet them. Having a coffee at an outdoor café offers great fodder for playful banter about the passing hipsters, fashionistas and archetypical stereotypes.

Korea—Dogs are predominantly small and decorative. Kids/young girls sometimes shriek at the touch of a dog’s tongue. Couples in identical clothing, businessmen in shiny suits and cheap shoes, kids practicing taekwondo in the park or 20 ajumma’s with identical permed hair provide ample opportunity for pithy observations.

*VERDICT: Even. There’s more diversity and acceptance of dogs in Italy, but things are just a bit crazier in Korea.

Women

Italy—They are famous for being hot. But, too many smoke cigarettes, and they do it in an affective manner as if it’s making them seem more attractive. It isn’t. Milano and Roma are sure to find you exceptionally fashionable, skinny model types riding Vespa’s with long hair streaming behind them. EX: Sophia Loren in 1965.

Korea—They are becoming more famous for producing beautiful, forever-young actresses and models. Many are conservative with upper body exposure but adore a short skirt. Visit Gangnam on a summer night for a glimpse of the plastic surgery obsessed climate of Korea. Nevertheless, some understand that their striking beauty comes from embracing their traditional features. EX: Kim Yuna in 2014.

*VERDICT: Korea. What can I say? My girlfriend is Korean, and she’s beautiful.

The answer is: 5 for Italy; 5 for Korea; 5 All Even

Honestly, what did you expect? I actually went at this subject expecting Korea to win because that is where I’ve enjoyed living most. Yet, when you take it all into consideration, Italy has lots of positives too. These 15 subjects are some major indices of quality of life for me. I suppose I love both of these countries too much to decide. (Shh. It’s Korea.)

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A New Woman

Recently, Jenna Talackova tried to enter the Miss Universe Canada beauty contest to potentially be eligible to be crowned, unofficially, the hottest woman on Earth. She ran into a snag though. She was born in Canada, looked beautiful and was in the age range. The problem was that she has the Y chromosome. She was born a man. However, she is one gorgeous (wo)man, now. After doctors performed reassignment surgery on him/her, she came off the operating table looking like Ivanka Trump’s younger sister. This girl has every chance of winning the crown with her long legs, nice smile, proportioned breasts and slim physique. However, her exclusion became an issue large enough to enlist the representation of Gloria Allred, the famous celebrity lawyer. The Donald and his Miss Universe crew quickly realized this was a ratings boom, a hot button issue and relented to allow her to compete. Miss Talackova would never be confused with a man, and it is obvious she makes a better female than male, but is it fair to allow her in the beauty competition? She was essentially “made” beautiful, not born. Her breasts are truly fake, as opposed to enlarged versions of titty bittys. I imagine that there are a large majority of women in beauty contests that may have had some sort of bodily alterations and therefore why should the most extreme amplifications and modifications be disallowed simply because of gender? Sure, it’s a rule that they had to have been born a woman, but times are changing. When a person is born with an abstract gender, they are now finding that they don’t have to live in that unfamiliar body forever.

I read about this story a few days ago and wasn’t sure how to react. The polls on the Internet show that conservatives, people older than 35 and males don’t like the idea. Teenagers, in their infinite wisdom of hating to put rules down on anyone, support the idea. Tonight, sitting in a Korean restaurant, I read the writing on their wall: “You have to see everything with your mind’s eye to really see it. The most important thing is invisible with your eyes.” These little vignettes are everywhere here; coffee cups, clothing, restaurants, pencils and vitamins. But this one seemed apropos to the conversation. As we look at her, we see a woman, and therefore the inherent maleness is hidden. But after we find out, our mind’s eye can never see past it again. I wonder if a man can justify calling this woman ugly, simply because she came from the womb an imperfectly formed male. Will you look at her and only see maleness disguised behind a stunning veneer? Will the judges be able to disregard the background of this contestant? If you met this attractive woman, and she looked, smelled and felt all woman, but she told you she used to be a man, would you be able or even want to believe her? If your five senses give your brain its information, do you believe them or the association your brain has now made between this model and your sexuality? What is the difference between the mother’s womb forming a female body with all its natural characteristics or a doctor surgically fusing the female features together?

I think she should be allowed to compete. I don’t think she’ll win, but regardless, it will be a landmark moment in LGBT history. Evolution now involves modern human science as well as time, reproduction and mutations.